AGE-u-cate Training Institute Blog

Coping with the loss of a family member may be one of the most complex challenges we face. When we lose a spouse, our grief can be particularly intense, and moving on after a long and happy marriage takes time. Loved ones can be catalysts in helping those grieving to find joy and happiness again.
Patricia (Dee) Hutchinson is AGE-u-cate Training Institute's Fulfillment Center Manager. I want to share her story about her father-in-law, Donald, and his journey from loss and grief to finding purpose and meaning after the loss of his wife. Here's their story:

Although my personal story of caregiving goes back decades, the message has not changed. My sweet mother, Jeanette, lived with Parkinson's Disease for many years. Our journey together as care partners included the highs of our incredible mother-daughter relationship growing even closer and the lows of experiencing the emotional roller-coaster of managing a disease that is ever-changing and often mysterious.

At 85, Jeanette's health had declined significantly due to the progression of her PD and complications from a broken hip. In addition, my sister was taking care of our mom in her home following a rehab stay, and the stress of 24/7 caregiving responsibilities took a toll on her physical and emotional health. It was time for a change, and a decision needed to be made relatively quickly.

Visiting one care community after another, I soon became embattled with my own emotions as I toured beautifully decorated buildings led by cheery marketing professionals. All the while, I was an emotional train wreck. What was truly important? I had some real soul searching to do.

A friend suggested I visit a residential care community that her dad had been in, so I arranged for a meeting with the owners, one of who was a registered nurse. The home was not in the most convenient area to my home, but was adequate for my sister and me to visit with a drive for both of us. The neighborhood was eclectic but safe.  As I drove to the house, my thoughts were on a single track.  

Entering the house, one of the care team members greeted me with a warm welcome and hug. The place was lively and bright, though far from fancy. Sitting areas in the large living room included residents, care partners, and family members.

As I made my way to another sitting room to meet with the owner, I noted the care team busy making lunch and chatting about the new recipe for the day. They stopped to say hello and asked if I'd like to stay. How could I pass up a yummy-looking Mexican dish?

As I sat down to talk, I could feel my emotions bubbling, and sure enough, tears started streaming. My decision of where my precious mama would live out her days played heavy on my heart. What did I want for her, for me, and the rest of my family? After all, we were all in this together.

All of the "things" that I thought were important started racing through my head. Within a short driving distance? Not really. Amenities? Somewhat limited. And this sounds so silly now, but at the time, I thought to myself, "this is just not mom's decorating style."

As I pulled myself from the depths of my crying episode, I felt incredible compassion and understanding embracing me. As I explained mom's health needs and history, it became clear what I was seeking.

Beyond the basics of cleanliness, safety, nursing care, I wanted my mom to be loved when I wasn't there. That sounds like a big ask, right?  

I mentioned my grandmother briefly in my last post and I would love to share more about her!  Her name was Mildred and this year she would have celebrated her 101st year around the sun.  She was was the pillar of our family and barrel of fun!  I can see her infectious smile now, dancing in the kitchen singing "If I'd known you were coming, I would've baked you a cake"!  Most of my memories of grandmama Mildred involve her journey living with dementia.  She taught our family so much in the 8+ years she lived with dementia.  Her sense of humor never ceased and was a critical piece in allowing grace to shine bright through it all.  And boy did we need grace - we didn't always get it right.  That's life.  

Responding to challenging behavior for people living with dementia is often the greatest triggers of stress,  helplessness and frustration for professional and family caregivers.  Learning to be an effective dementia care detective incorporates knowledge of behavioral expression and having effective tools to respond, reassure and comfort.

According the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, seniors age 80 and older have the highest rate of fatal crashes per mile driven - even high than for teens.  As our aging population rapidly increases, the driving dilemma is most certainly everyone's business and a problem that must be addressed at many levels.